I feel like I am trying to hard, I am trying to hard in order to make everything work. But maybe I am just shitting myself.

Ugh this shit is disruptive as hell.

Caring.

"Why are you there for someone, standing by their side, when you mean nothing to them?"

I've cared too much about you, wondering if you still cared for me, when I know for a fact that you felt nothing for me. And that's not fair on my part. To constantly worry, not because I was obligated to, but because I genuinely cared. But in the end, I am the one that feels like that one that was abandoned by you. And to me, now, it's not worth it. For a while, I accepted that maybe you were trying to just look out for me, thinking that life would be easier without you. For a fact that was a lie, probably causing more problems then benefits, but that was your choice. This is mine. Don't come back. Because I won't be there for you anymore. I will do the same thing you did to me, disappear from my life like you felt nothing for me. You know you could in an instant tell someone you hate them, but it takes a while to actually have a growing hate for someone who you thought would always be there for you. Don't think that just because you came back that I will forgive you for anything. Because as of right now, you mean nothing. If you hadn't left, I would have stayed by your side, but this is all on you.

The feelings I felt when I was with you, I'll accept them. But there was a time where I was falling for you, hard. When I just wanted to wake up to you, and fall asleep to your voice. And I really wanted to try. But not anymore. Because you might leave again just because you don't need me. Because I am that expendable. So let me give you some advice. A relationship has nothing to do with being two independent people enjoying each other's company. That is a friendship. Or even, in loosely youthanism terms, friends with benefits. But to actually have some codependence, not complete, binds two people together. Knowing that in some situations, their company is what you need to get by and your feelings for them will continue. A relationship is not when one independent person leaving the other person because they think they are pulling each other down, and if that is your case, then any type of feelings or pains mean nothing, and nothing binds the relationship. If you could leave that easily, your feelings for me, were nonexistent, and finally after a while hoping that you would be different, ended worse then all the others. At least they had the decency for the truth even if it hurt. You just left.

It's funny to know that you told me "don't always put your guard up, there's always a guy that is nice and that deserves your time" and the one that I let my guard down for, the one that probably changed my perspective on almost everything I have seen, heard, and felt, that he is the reason why I choose not to open my heart to anyone anymore. There is no point. In the end, someone will get hurt, realize their pains and their realities, and they will close their hearts forever. Players will probably hurt you, but you expect it, but for someone who told me "There's someone thats going to be good for you", it came out of no where. And because of you, I am done. You will probably move on, because that is all you have been doing your entire life, forgetting people and blocking out people. But I will accept that. But with you, I am done. And you being you, will probably not even try, and I accept that too. Thanks for everything in the past. Hope for your endeavors in the future.

It pains me to know that I can't even directly contact with you and I wait by this wondering if you still care or not to even check up on me. But like always I will be selfish.

There are too many thoughts in my mind to even comprehend what I am feeling right now.

On April 28th, when it struck 12 we would have exchanged wonderful words, but there it was, just silence, more evident than ever.

Remember?

When we used to talk about silly things like laugh about how I pronounce Pau Gasol or if you believed in the apocalypse or not. When you used to sing me to sleep and I would realize that I started to fall just a little bit for you. But it kind of sucks when you think you allowed to free fall into this little pool the youth today calls "love". An overjustified word ain't it? It makes me shiver a little inside to even imagine to say those three little words and even a hundred thousand miles to even feel it. I get a little bit of a heart jolt when I even come across that word... I don't know whether I felt it, or if it was the youth in me that thought I did.

Past Tense.

You use words that were in the past, such as were or was, and that is the key. Everything was in the past. We will never experience what we had again. As you said, everything is in the past. My past is haunting me, to the point where it is blinding my present and future. I don't know what to do.