War is Over.

2011-05-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am trying to hard, I am trying to hard in order to make everything work. But maybe I am just shitting myself.

Ugh this shit is disruptive as hell.

Caring.

2011-05-05T22:55:00.001-07:00

"Why are you there for someone, standing by their side, when you mean nothing to them?"

I've cared too much about you, wondering if you still cared for me, when I know for a fact that you felt nothing for me. And that's not fair on my part. To constantly worry, not because I was obligated to, but because I genuinely cared. But in the end, I am the one that feels like that one that was abandoned by you. And to me, now, it's not worth it. For a while, I accepted that maybe you were trying to just look out for me, thinking that life would be easier without you. For a fact that was a lie, probably causing more problems then benefits, but that was your choice. This is mine. Don't come back. Because I won't be there for you anymore. I will do the same thing you did to me, disappear from my life like you felt nothing for me. You know you could in an instant tell someone you hate them, but it takes a while to actually have a growing hate for someone who you thought would always be there for you. Don't think that just because you came back that I will forgive you for anything. Because as of right now, you mean nothing. If you hadn't left, I would have stayed by your side, but this is all on you.

The feelings I felt when I was with you, I'll accept them. But there was a time where I was falling for you, hard. When I just wanted to wake up to you, and fall asleep to your voice. And I really wanted to try. But not anymore. Because you might leave again just because you don't need me. Because I am that expendable. So let me give you some advice. A relationship has nothing to do with being two independent people enjoying each other's company. That is a friendship. Or even, in loosely youthanism terms, friends with benefits. But to actually have some codependence, not complete, binds two people together. Knowing that in some situations, their company is what you need to get by and your feelings for them will continue. A relationship is not when one independent person leaving the other person because they think they are pulling each other down, and if that is your case, then any type of feelings or pains mean nothing, and nothing binds the relationship. If you could leave that easily, your feelings for me, were nonexistent, and finally after a while hoping that you would be different, ended worse then all the others. At least they had the decency for the truth even if it hurt. You just left.

It's funny to know that you told me "don't always put your guard up, there's always a guy that is nice and that deserves your time" and the one that I let my guard down for, the one that probably changed my perspective on almost everything I have seen, heard, and felt, that he is the reason why I choose not to open my heart to anyone anymore. There is no point. In the end, someone will get hurt, realize their pains and their realities, and they will close their hearts forever. Players will probably hurt you, but you expect it, but for someone who told me "There's someone thats going to be good for you", it came out of no where. And because of you, I am done. You will probably move on, because that is all you have been doing your entire life, forgetting people and blocking out people. But I will accept that. But with you, I am done. And you being you, will probably not even try, and I accept that too. Thanks for everything in the past. Hope for your endeavors in the future.

2011-05-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

It pains me to know that I can't even directly contact with you and I wait by this wondering if you still care or not to even check up on me. But like always I will be selfish.

There are too many thoughts in my mind to even comprehend what I am feeling right now.

On April 28th, when it struck 12 we would have exchanged wonderful words, but there it was, just silence, more evident than ever.

Remember?

2011-05-03T21:33:00.001-07:00

When we used to talk about silly things like laugh about how I pronounce Pau Gasol or if you believed in the apocalypse or not. When you used to sing me to sleep and I would realize that I started to fall just a little bit for you. But it kind of sucks when you think you allowed to free fall into this little pool the youth today calls "love". An overjustified word ain't it? It makes me shiver a little inside to even imagine to say those three little words and even a hundred thousand miles to even feel it. I get a little bit of a heart jolt when I even come across that word... I don't know whether I felt it, or if it was the youth in me that thought I did.

Past Tense.

2011-04-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

You use words that were in the past, such as were or was, and that is the key. Everything was in the past. We will never experience what we had again. As you said, everything is in the past. My past is haunting me, to the point where it is blinding my present and future. I don't know what to do.

A heart jolt.

2011-04-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

It kind of sucks when you go by life trying to get over something, someone, and when you finally think you are doing okay, something changes. You see something that reminds you of that event, and you are right back where you are. You feel weak in the knees and you try to regain your posture... But everything seems like nothing improved.

It is funny that I haven't checked blogspot in a full week, and when I do... I am reminded of everything.

False hope.

2011-04-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

No matter the circumstances, hope is what I had. I really did have hope in us. That's all I had, but now I officially give up. I give up the feelings in my heart, because I refuse to let them unheard and unacknowledged. I hope you have a wonderful life. A life filled with health and happiness. Because I can not just sit around still feeling the things I feel for the person who told me he hated me, and left me here with absolutely no remembrance of him. Disappeared.

I believed you when you said that you would never leave my side, that no matter what happened between us, you wouldn't just fall off the face of the earth, and that's what you did. I feel absolutely nothing now. So this is my final goodbye. I am done trying for someone who won't even acknowledge my existence. Goodbye.

Communication

2011-04-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

I guess this is the only way I will know you are okay or not, whether you are lying through your words, or if your actually telling the truth. You are supposed to hate me. Those words will never escape my consciousness. And just seeing your name while I skim through my contacts, just makes me remember that. If you think I am just going to escape then fine, think that I am doing alright. Think that I can day by day think nothing of you. Disappearing off the face of my earth, yeah that was a smart thing to do. Selfish of you, but I understand. I have been nothing but selfish all this time, and I deserve it.

You should stop missing me, because you hate me. You wouldn't want to miss someone that you despise so much. My heart and mind is still shattered in pieces, and yeah, us talking won't do us any good.

My mind is in jumbles, but I am done crying, I get too dehydrated. When you want to say something to me, you know where to find me.

I'm going to be alright.

2011-04-16T17:46:00.001-07:00

I am for sure of that. Right now, during spring break, I refuse to be sad. So right now. I am happy. And I am fine.

My inspiration seems to have escaped.

2011-04-15T20:35:00.001-07:00

I can't find the motivation to draw anything.

Sleep.

2011-04-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness it's spring break. So waking up at 4:16 is an okay thing to do. Even though I fell asleep at 1:30 last night, I still feel so tired. Everything feels like a blur, on what day it is, on what I should be doing. Soon, I am hoping that everything I see doesn't remind me of you. I'm angry at myself, angry that I couldn't do anything to help you. But, I think I'm doing better. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. But my regret of being selfish, not seeing in your perspective, grows everyday.

Everything seems just sort of empty.

Chaos.

2011-04-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

Home makes me think of you. My walls, my binder, my corkboard, a lot of things....... Most people would take it back. Because to me, it's not over. You could be out of my sight, but you will never be out of my mind. Wondering if your doing okay, wondering if you are thinking about me as well. I doubt it. I doubt that you worry about what I do anymore. I mean nothing to you. And I guess that's what is breaking my heart the most.

"When you are dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees. And for a moment you can't really breathe. Wondering, was he really here? Is he standing in my room. No he's not. Because he's gone gone gone gone."

In the middle of this chaos, I feel like less of a mess.

I want to just talk. To just tell you about my day. Well all the words I have right now, is goodnight.

Selfless.

2011-04-13T00:08:00.001-07:00

No good deed goes unpunished. Today I could think about the benefit of myself, whether I will get a good grade on my APUSH final, or if I can go out. I could think for the benefit of myself, selfish and thinking that I have life at its worst. I want to be selfless. And I'm working on my way to do so. A thing that pisses me off, something that irks me, I could get passed through it right? Because everyone around me has their own troubles, some far greater than my own. I apologize for not seeing you in such pain, for thinking that everything was going to end up okay. But in reality, pain doesn't just last a day or a few hours. Pain could last years, months on end. And I failed to see that. I failed to be selfless with you. A verbal second chance is easy to say, but I will say within my power, I will do everything to show you that I care for you the way I say I do.

My heart.

2011-04-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

It never hurt like this before. Where I feel like everything is crumbling down. I hate myself for everything I can't stand this.

If I ever see your face again, I will never be able to recover. I can't do this.

No song, no words to explain this.

2011-04-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep or eat or even manage to get myself out of bed without feeling like this. With my gateway to music broken, I am left in silence and forced to listen to the voices in my head. Telling me this telling me that. One side telling me that I am a failure, that I am nothing but a broken piece of trash, unable to even look into a mirror without seeing some sort of failure. The other side is clouded. I used to live on the other side, where I could see my life clearly. Where I could get out of bed without feeling like this. Without having a loss for appetite. I keep lying to myself that I am okay, that no matter what, I'll be fine, but I guess to me, if I tell myself in my own voice, it is true. I can't even seemed to remember yesterday or the day before or even before that. It seems like a blur. Everything seems useless now. There are no words where I can truly explain how I feel, but I have failed the one thing that was asked of me. A simple thing, and I don't know what words could explain such feeling. So I guess I have lost. Checkmate.

Little Bit

2011-04-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

"Hands down, I'm too proud for love. But when eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of. But how we move from A to B it can't be up to me, because we don't know."

There is always that one person that changes the game for you. You're perspective changes due to this person and your actions change as well. I don't know whether the magnetic pull is cosmic or if something is wrong with me, but I can't help it. But not everything ends in a perfect glass slipper match or a kiss from Prince Charming. Sometimes things get screwed up. Sometimes the story ends with a missing slipper and torn clothes and a broken pumpkin. I can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I'm just a little bit torn. Just a little bit. I probably can't even admit that to myself. It's hard, but things play out in the end. Well, I hope it does.

Little Bit - Lykke Li

Lost!

2011-04-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know where I am going. Whether or not I am walking alone because I am walking away from you or to you. I am losing, but I am not yet lost. I am scared of walking alone without any glimpse that there is a light at the end of tunnel. I have so many regrets and apologies that I will never forgive myself for. I'm sorry. I think I am lost.

Lost! - Coldplay

Make it Mine

2011-03-30T01:19:00.001-07:00

I have a dream, just like anyone else, but this is my chance to make it mine. If I just spin in circles, then all I will ever get is a lot more dizzier and probably only an inch away from where I was before. Maybe your dreams will be achieved today, or tomorrow, or in 36 years, who knows. It's a dream. A dream where you consume yourself within it and all you do make it yours.

Your dream, not anyone else's.

My dream? To wake up happy every day.

And therefore, everyday my dream comes true.

Make it Mine - Jason Mraz

Wishful Sinful

2011-03-29T18:57:00.001-07:00

We could wish for a clouded sun or a cloudless rain, but which one is sinful? The things we wish for, are they wishes, the wishes for our well being, love or lust? Love on one hand could be considered not sinful. With genuine wishes, maybe it will come true. Lust on the other side of the spectrum has a considerable taste as well, but at the same time is sinful. I am not stapling a label on lust or love, or even for that subject matter. But my subject matter would probably refer to the open plain of whether or not a wish, harmless or harmful, is ever considered sinful.

Wishful Sinful - Doors

Well here's a hello.

2011-03-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

I quit tumblr today. My reasons will remain unknown, but I guess I just got sick of it. So here are to new beginnings.

Hello my blogspot, my name's Hannah Suh.